Foreplay

Currently, if not all, at least the vast majority agrees on the importance of sexual foreplay. Those who despise its importance generally lead such regular and backwards sexual life, which sooner or later winds up by leading them into a sexual life without taste, boring. What’s in foreplay? How long should take. Does it mean every relation? What are the real goodies in foreplay for the couple towards their sexual life? When starts and end? Some usual queries about the subject, there’d be more. Let’s check foreplay, it speaks for itself, is something that proceeds, which is prior to anything, in this case sex. Of which belonged features like gaze, tenderness, kissing, busing, licking, playing, handling, etc., not just the sexual organs, on every single spot on the body that might boost their sexual indulgence. With regard to timing could be said it flows, in other words, depends on the personal mood and leniency by the couple themselves. In what could be short (one to two minutes) or long (ten to thirty minutes). Those into tantric sex swear by longer timeframe. It is estimated the average lies around fifteen minutes, time enough for a good lube up and arousal heightening. About foreplay in every relation, I go by the notion that there can not be preconceived ideas. Meantime without it the degree of sexual arousal would be lessen, ultimately concerned females. Seems relevant to point that each woman got her own timing and that could vary from situation to situation. As for the men, this one is almost inexistent as a problem, once, by natural demand, in no time he could be ready to give it the once and over. Referred to the revenues for their sexual life, believed that on top of boosted sexual output their intimacy and quality in sex would be enhanced. Apart from the touch, sex flicks or erotica imagery, sexual-aid or sexual devices, bring into play those sexual fancies, reignite each other’s flame besides all those tasteful manners for sex. Everything would give the relationship a special touch. Openness between the couple is primordial for the couple to come together. Nobody can tell what is on the other’s mind. Now is with you. Good luck.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Sexuality and Intimacy

In couple relationships, there is sexuality. It may take many different forms at different stages in the relationship and it may be shaped by many forces. The role of sex in a relationship may be influenced by the age of the partners, previous sexual experiences, cultural conventions, religious beliefs, morality and etiquette, personal expectations, and other social and personal influences in the lives of the partners. But in couples, a sexual life is always assumed to exist at some point in the relationship. It is, at the very least, presumed that there will be a sexual relationship in the future even if one does not already exist.
It is not the intention of this article to improve your sex life. Instead, the goal is to help you reflect upon and explore the nature and role of sexuality in your relationship. You will be the judge of what's "right" in your relationship.
Being Alone Together
Being "alone," usually means just that. But one of the unique features about a couples relationship is that you can be alone, together. The first step in this adventure in intimacy and sexuality is find a private place where no one will bother you, and plan to be in this private environment for at least 30 minutes, alone with one another.
Create an intimate mood by playing soft music, dimming lights, lighting candles, or by making other changes to the environment that will heighten your sense of being alone together. Create a sense of intimacy in which your attention is focused on one another alone without the distractions of daily life.
Each take at least 10 minutes to gently massage one another. Using a massage or bath oil, gently rub your partner's neck, upper back, feet, and hands. As you rub these areas, focus on how they look and feel their contours and texture. As you massage your partner's hands, pay attention to the way your fingers can interlock and how your partner's hands can respond to yours in return.
You may take more than the 10 minute minimum and you may massage other areas of your partner's body also. You may further enhance the experience by taking a bath or shower together. Besides quiet music and the right lighting, there are other enhancements you can make to your environment to further heighten your sense of intimacy and mood.
Once you have each massaged one another, sit or lie together and absorb the mood. Explore your partner's face and body with your eyes and by touch if you'd like. Take your partner's hands and lead them to parts of your body you'd like your partner to explore. Use words sparingly.
Although this exercise focuses on sexuality, it is not about sex. Accordingly, the rule in this exercise is no sex. You can look, you can touch, you can kiss, you can feel passionate -- but no sex.
Afterplay
Your adventure in sexuality may last only 30 minutes or it may last an entire evening or night. After you have mutually decided that the experience has ended, take some time to be intimate in a different kind of way. Talk to one another. Explore what the experience was like, share your feelings, and discover where to go from here.
Summary
Intimacy is often intertwined with sex. In some relationships, intimacy and sex are the same thing, and feelings of intimacy are inseparable from sexual feelings. In these relationships, intimacy does not exist without sex. But sex and intimacy are not necessarily the same thing, and sexuality plays different a role in different relationships. Take the time to understand the meaning and role of sexual relationships in your relationship, exploring with your partner what you both want and how best to create and live a sexual life that meets both of your needs and desires.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Your Sexual Goals

Throughout our lives we are, from time to time, confronted with information that challenges our conventional way of thinking. For example, our changing attitudes about "second hand smoke" has changed public policy regarding smoking in public areas.
Public education has also helped Americans understand that AIDS is not a "homosexual disease," but one that can infect everyone through a variety of sexual behaviors and through intravenous drug use. Consider the following.
The Centers for Disease a Control (CDC), the federal agency responsible for the prevention of health problems, has been working on violence prevention for more than 12 years. The CDC's focus has been on changing the way people think about preventing violence. On November 6, 1996, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a statement calling sexual assault a public health problem, labeling sexual assault a "silent violent epidemic in the United States today. The World Health Assembly (WHA) also considers violence, and the prevention of violence as a public health priority has declared that violence is a leading worldwide public health problem. The American Psychological Association (APA) has also declared violence to be a serious societal problem and recognizes the need for addressing the violence problem from a different perspective, The APA states; "Societal attitudes and practices regarding violence also have an influence on the risk of family violence." These efforts by these esteemed organizations are a wakeup call to America.
Legislators and the public repeatedly turn to the criminal justice system to solve violence in America. However, the series of tougher laws passed each year to address violence, passed each year to guide the criminal justice system, do not address the underlying causes of violence or sexual abuse. The continued rise in sexual abuse suggests that a criminal justice model is not preventing sexual abuse of our children.
During the past two years, we have seen legislation regarding sexual abusers that 1) mandates public notification of sexual offender release, 2) mandated use of DepoProvera ("chemical castration" ) for child sexual abusers, and 3) indefinite commitment of predatory sexual offenders. We cannot effectively apply these laws, based on extreme cases that are not representative of the majority of sexual abusers, to all sexual abusers. Recently, reports suggest that these laws have resulted in a decrease of sexual abuse reporting by victims. These mandated, and in some cases unfunded laws are examples of "feel good" legislation and are not effective with all sexual abusers. Occasionally, these laws may cause more harm than good as they drive the sexual abuser further into secrecy.
In this Iight, we must also come to grips with the unfortunate reality that sexual abuse commonly has its onset in childhood and adolescence. For example, 45% of child sexual abuse cases in Vermont are perpetrated by children and teens. Early identification and intervention by adults with these children would reduce almost by half, the number of children sexually abused in Vermont! That is prevention.
The AMA states, "Society as a whole must become become informed about the problems and realities of sexual assault. Special attention must be directed to correcting misconceptions and myths about rape and sexual assault.
Now is the time for all of us to begin changing the way we think about sexual abuse. From a prevention standpoint we can do several things. First, the most important action we can take to prevent the sexual abuse of our children is to educate ourselves and other adults about this most serious social problem.
Because of the media's focus on highprofile sex crimes, and sex murders, these sensationalized news stories give the American public a biased, distorted, and unrealistic view of sexual abuse. In addition they foster any angry public who wants to castrate, use public notification, or imprison for life, sexual abusers regardless of what type, the frequency of their crimes, or the risk they pose to the community. Not all sexual abusers are alike, nor should they all be handled in a similar fashion. Public surveys show that the media misinforms most Americans about what is sexual abuse, and who is the sexual abuser. The CDC and the AMA recognize the need to educate the public, including adults and children, in these programs.
Second, we must focus on early intervention and prevention of sexual abuse. For every individual we lock up in prison, there are at least one or more child at risk for acting out sexually. The same amount of money we spend to incarcerate one person for one year could also fund state-of-the-art identification, intervention, and treatment for at risk youth.
Third, sexual abuse prevention requires a national campaign to acknowledge sexual abuse as a public health problem. If society expects people who are prone to act out sexually and abuse others to get help for their problem and stop their behavior, then society must offer the opportunity for sexual abusers, and persons prone to sexually act out, to step forward and get help. All of the other prevention campaigns mentioned above have provided hope and the opportunity for treatment, even when there is not a "cure" for the particular problem. To prevent sexual abuse from becoming a more widespread epidemic, we must provide the potential abuser, and active abusers, the same opportunities for hope and recovery.
Few people disagree with the statistics that suggest that criminal sexual abuse has reached epidemic proportions in our country, however, there is much disagreement and debate about what are the most effective ways to address this serious social problem and how we can best prevent it in the future.
Look at the past twenty or thirty years and decide for yourself if our current methods sad strategies of creating tougher laws and punishing sexual abusers are resulting in a decrease in criminal sexual abuse. I believe the answer to this question is "no," and therefore, we must rethink what directions we need to take in the future.
What we must keep in mind is that punishment is not prevention. The criminal justice system must play a role in sexual abuse prevention and treatment, and that we must hold criminal sexual abusers accountable for their behavior. I do not believe that all sexual abusers should be handled alike because not all sexual abusers are the same. Some sexual abusers may need to be imprisoned for life, however, others can be safely and effectively treated in the community, once they have been assessed and determined to be a low risk, and by using a restorative justice model.
We must educate ourselves about the issue of sexual abuse and sexual violence, its origins, and measures we can take to get at the root of the problem, if we are going to commit ourselves to preventing it. Prevention is not punishing a behavior *after* it occurs. Prevention is stopping the problem *before* it occurs.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Intamacy in Sex

Now that we have arrived at the new millennium, it is time to take a fresh look at an old sexual problem common in the lives of many women; namely no orgasm during intercourse. This results in concern and disappointment especially to the woman who looks to sex for pleasure and emotional gratification. Since this is a troubling issue to a majority of women let us examine its significant aspects. Many women wonder and sometimes even worry about why they are missing something so important, as coitus reaches its peak moment. Why don't they have an orgasm, a sensation that is normal and should be enjoyed at that time? Occasionally even the partner may comment. An explanation regarded as medically accurate in the past was that this is due to female "frigidity," a word now banned from the vocabulary of writers and speakers on the subject of sex.
In years past this would have definitely been a "hush-hush" topic. But the time is now and the door has been opened to allow and even encourage efforts to understand the psychological complications that can get in the way of a happy, satisfying sex life. By taking a look at some of the trip-up spots in a woman's journey to full sexual pleasure, it may very well be possible to uncover and toss away a few of them.
It is an accepted fact that a woman is capable of having an orgasm. The question is what are the obstacles. Unnecessary limits that may have been implanted in our thoughts can have the power to determine how we act. Let us consider a few of these possible restrictions to see what can be done to reduce their damage. A major problem obviously can be the quality of the relationship existing between the partners. In the situations about to be described, we shall assume that love does exist in order to focus solely upon sex. If not, the issue is the relationship and not the sex. In the case of women who worry about being "normal" because at times they do have an orgasm but never during intercourse, it is important for them to understand that orgasm is the peak response to stimulation however it is reached. The manner by which that climax is achieved is of much less importance than the pleasure and relaxation that follow.
Stimulation can be arrived at through a variety of actions, some at times more enjoyable than others; but many women are reluctant to express their preferences. The path to orgasm can be freed of stumbling blocks by informing the partner of what gives real pleasure. Additionally, general body caressing is an important prelude to moving toward the vaginal area and should be encouraged by words or body responses. My clinical experience has also suggested that varying positions from time to time maintains a level of interest in intercourse that prevents it from becoming just the same old routine.
Anxieties and distractions are intruders during love-making. Taking them to bed guarantees no orgasm. Questions and concerns deserve attention, but at a time and place where a useful answer is available. Worrying about "what's wrong with me" will only prolong the problem. To the worriers, I urge starting in a relaxed state.
Then there is the old baggage all of us automatically cart along. It is not heavy, but it can certainly weigh us down at times. Unfortunately a prime location for being weighed down can be the bedroom. Parents who instill in us the rules for "proper" behavior sometimes hide in an unseen nook in that room. Their voices can be heard whispering just at the moment a woman is about to try relaxing into the sexual activity going on. This often occurs without any conscious awareness. Unfortunately, Mom or perhaps Dad neglected to mention when and where it is o.k. to let loose and that it might even be a good idea.
Orgasm requires letting go. Worrying about being normal, about conflicts in the relationship, and especially the cautioning voices of parents, inevitably cause a woman to tighten up emotionally and physically. Telling your partner what feels good, experimenting with different positions and focusing only on the moment at hand are the freeing-up tactics. Let go of expectations and drift on to thoughts about loving, being loved and to whatever else peaks the excitement. Then let the flame flare.
Dorothy Strauss, Ph.D., has published chapters in medical textbooks and papers on sexuality and relationship problems. She has served as Associate Professor of Psychiatry for the State University of New York. She currently has a private practice and teaches seminars.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Fisting

So you've been down the fingering road and found it lacking. You felt like you needed more to fill you or your girl up so you decided, "Hey, if one finger is good, what about my whole fist?" Well you have come to the right place. Fisting a girl can be an exciting experience when done properly.

Be Careful

Before we begin, it should be noted that unlike fingering, fisting is not without its dangers. A woman's vagina is not designed to take something the size of your fist when she is not in labor. As such, it is important that you and your partner trust each other greatly and establish a line of communication while you fist her to make sure that you are not causing any abnormal pain. Fisting is not pain-free. However, it should not be be too painful either.

Preparation

Get yourself one to two bottles of lubrication. Far and away the best type to use is called Wet Platinum. Watch which type of Wet Platinum however, as some are not for internal use. Since it's a silicone-based lubricant, it stays slippery for much longer than water-based lubricants; and if it does eventually dry out, just add some moisture. You might consider spitting, especially if you're that kind of fetishist.
If you're using a water-based lubricant (such as Astroglide, rated the best by a number of adult magazines), you will need to have your hand (literally) dripping with this stuff. In addition you will need to lubricate her vagina with it to make sure that the lube won't run out when you get halfway in.

Just Relax

Before you begin, your partner will need to get completely relaxed. This is easier said than done when she has to think about having a hand stuck inside of her, but unless she relaxes, her muscles will be too tight which could either prevent it from going in or just cause injury. The best way to relax would be by breathing deeply and concentrating on the breathing. Another good way is by making out. The point is that you should do anything that will take her mind off of what is about to happen and prevent those muscles from contracting.

Just like a sport

Would you go out and play football or do gymnastics without training? No, of course not, and fisting is no different. The human hand is not a small thing and while the birth canal is made to be able to pass a child it doesn't just plop it out. Over the months that a woman is pregnant, it slowly begins to stretch itself out. Most women, especially those who have never given birth, will need to stretch out the vagina for a few days, weeks or even months prior to attempting a successful fisting. There are a number of ways to do this, but the bottom line is — don't attempt a fisting if you're not ready. At best, it will be extremely painful; at worse you could cause real damage and, come on, talk about an awkward story to tell people. As I said, there are a number of exercises that can be used to stretch the vagina; here are a few of the best.
Work your way up to a whole fist. Start fingering her with two fingers a couple of times a day for a week or so. Then, the next week use three fingers, then four fingers for a week, and so on. Do this until you are able to get a full fist in there. Remember though, as you get up to 4 finger you will probably need to start using lube.
Actual stretching is another way to go about it. Work your way up to using three fingers and then, once you get the fingers inside, try to spread them. Do this slowly and stop when there is too much pain. Hold in this position for a second or two and then release. Do between 3 and 5 repetitions of this per session. Be sure to do this every day for a number of days.
Using larger objects for either masturbation or just play is another great way. Start small and work your way up to larger items.
Remember that the clenched fist is a very, very advanced technique. You'll have the best luck with your fingers fully extended lengthwise, but scrunched up together widthwise; emulating a duckbill. Just imagine the amusing shadows of daffy duck you're projecting on her G-spot!

Arm Deep
So you're streched, you're lubed and your ready to go. Alright, lie back and relax, this is going to hurt a little bit.

Start Slowly
No matter how much stretching you've done up until now, when you actually do it, you're going to need to start slowly. Begin by placing two fingers inside her and working your way up the digits just like you did during excersises. If your hand gets dry, then be sure to add more lubrication. You want your fingers to slide into her like a warm knife through butter. Make sure you listen to what she has to say, her moans and noises. If she tells you to slow down, stop or anything else, then be sure that you do it. The last thing you want to do is cause too much pain. Remember, you are doing this because it's supposed to be fun, if it stops being fun then you might want to reconsider it.

Chinese Finger Roll
The more fingers that you stick into her, the smaller you need to try and make your hand. The optimal hand structure is to form it into a wedge. This allows the vaginal walls to slowly adjust to the hand as its slid in. The best way to form this structure is to roll the pinky behind the ring finger and the thumb inside the index finger. Slide in slowly, taking verbal cues from your partner.

What to do when you're inside
Once you're inside her, you have a number of options. Having a fist inside her will probably be a big turn on for your partner, so you may start up a gentle sex motion. She may just want to have you play with her clit with your other hand. What you do at this point is up to you. Have fun.
Just as you took care when inserting your fist, take care when removing it. And please don't forget to cut your finger nails before doing this! Otherwise you can seriously harm your partner...

Kisses,

Jesse~

Who We Are Sexually

Go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows. Rilke
First I want you to accept that this statement is possibly true and agree to believe this just while you read this article. You don't have to agree, just give it room in your belief system for a short try out. I believe we are all sexual beings but many of us try to cover it up, or have forgotten just how sexual we are.
Over the centuries dogmatic religions and other cultural prisons have force fed us lies about ourselves. We have learned that sex is sex and there is a time and a place for it. Nowadays we have a socio-political climate where men are afraid to make a move on a woman for fear of offending her and women are afraid to be sexual in case they are judged on that rather than their merits. This is not natural and I don't know about you, but I won't live my life in this fearful state!
I'm not suggesting we go round shagging anywhere, anytime with anyone we choose [although that would be nice wouldn't it!!]. And it doesn't mean that we should be constantly turned on [mmm now there's a thought.. maybe we can...]. It means much more than that. I'm suggesting that we need to recapture our sexual essence and celebrate empower it and let it flow through our lives as it was intended to. Let's learn to fall in love with our sexuality all over again and embrace it as a wondrous driving force in our lives.
The sexual energy centre - you
The Martial arts and many of the Eastern meditative practices, religions and medicine have long been aware of and harnessed the body's energy centres. Most martial artists will spend a long time learning to centre their energy and focus because without that, all the techniques in the world won't work.
How useful would it be if you could get just a little of the focus and centering they have, that would be quite nice wouldn't it? Well you can.
One of the key energy centres is the hara. This is the centre of your life energy and also your sexual energy. It's about 2 -4 inches below your belly button or around that area, from the centre out to the sides. When you feel sexual desire for someone chances are you will have sensations here. When you focus your attention on this point and regulate your breathing, you become more solid, centred or whatever word you choose to use.
Breathing into your energy centre - in and out slowly
Find somewhere quiet to stand with your feet about six inches apart and locate the point. Some call it one-point as well as hara. There are many names for it. Your task is just to find it. Place your mental attention on this area of your body as you begin to breathe in and out slowly. Imagine the power rising from this point up your spine to the top of your head and returning down your back to between your legs and up to the hara again. This is your true personal power in action. This is powerful stuff. You can begin now. Do this often and become aware of feelings there and notice the difference. You are beginning to move your energy around your body and when you can link the sexual side of this energy and move that too, mmmm. It's great! But more of that later.
“When passion burns within you remember that it was given to you for a good purpose.” Old Hassidic saying
Sexual energy is one of the most powerful motivating forces in our life. We were designed to reproduce and the urge is genetically imprinted. As we evolve, we still have this primal driver but our urge to reproduce, whilst strong, is no longer the life and death matter it used to be. So what do we do with all this excess sexual energy? As well as enjoying wonderful soulful sex, we can learn to harness and use this motivational force in other areas of our life.
Regan hated ironing. When she learned to harness her sexual energy she discovered how to turn ironing into a very pleasurable task! Now Regan gets into her long black boots and not much else and irons on and on and on..
Dominic had a challenging time working with his managers. When he learned to see the world through rose coloured 'lips' his work took on a juicy dimension. By harnessing his sexual motivation and linking it to something he wanted to enjoy more, he learned to have almost as much fun at work as he does with his girlfriend!
You too can learn to harness your sexual energy and use it in all areas of your life. Think about it, you are harnessing your life force!

Kisses,

Jesse~

Sexuality Without Fear

This may be a difficult subject for some people. Many of us have been taught to be ashamed or embarrassed by our sexual feelings and find ourselves wasting a lot of energy denying, repressing and feeling guilty about them. To be a healthy, complete person we must learn to experience our sexuality without fear and accept it as a beautiful part of ourselves worth celebrating.Let go of any shame and embarrassment from archaic social standards that are connected with loving yourself.
Masturbating can help us to learn about our bodies and we can teach ourselves how to respond sexually. We can love ourselves alone or masturbate mutually with a lover. It is very erotic to watch your love become sexually aroused and vice versa. Self-stimulation helps to relieve sexual tension and therefore helps you fall asleep easier. Repressing your sexuality is unhealthy so masturbating gives us a way to feel pleasure that is self-sufficient and under our control. It provides an outlet for people who are without a lover and is excellent training for learning how to achieve an orgasm. It can enable a partner to have an orgasm when the stimulation through intercourse is insufficient. Masturbation can even help to relieve menstrual cramps.
Loving yourself involves the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an individual. Reprogram your subconscious to view the act as a gesture of self- love and empowerment. Make a date with yourself and take the time to do the special little things that usually get overlooked or put on the back burner because of family, career and other responsibilities.
Find a quiet, warm place where you can be alone without interruption. Remember to turn on the answering machine! Take a hot bath, relax, and take some time to think about the things you like about yourself. Let the day's stress and worries fade away.
Aromatic bath salts and oils can be added to your bath to induce further relaxation and help to heighten the intimacy you are creating. Rub yourself down with lotion or oil and take some time to caress and explore your body. Light a candle and put on your favorite sexy music. This is your time! Now that your relaxed, move to your bed, couch or wherever you are most comfortable.Positive creative fantasy can play a key role in building desire while you love yourself. Visualize your lover or create an imaginary lover with attributes you admire and that turn you on.
One way to enhance your ability to fantasize is to review your favorite personal erotic memories in detail. Tenderly stroke your breasts, thighs and buttocks. Imagine it is a lover touching you. It is arousing to imagine that your dream lover is the one doing the caressing.
There are many different ways to masturbate. We can moisten our fingertips with our own saliva or vaginal fluids, or use a purchased product such as K-Y Jelly or pure coconut oil from the health food store. Gently rub the clitoris with one hand while tweaking your nipple with the other. Rhythmically rub in a circular or an up and down motion. Experiment and explore what feels good to you. Use different levels of pressure and timing. Some women masturbate by crossing their legs while exerting steady rhythmic pressure to the entire genital area. Some women use a small pillow between their legs to rub against and achieve one orgasm after another. Try using a vibrator or dildo to stimulate and mimic the presence of the male member. Practice using muscle tension as a way to heighten or to bring on climax. I know of many women that stimulate themselves to orgasm with the stream from the shower.Let yourself go, don't try too hard, as you become sexually aroused you will feel the blood rush to your pelvis, clitoris and vulva, making you feel full and hot. Your senses become vivified as you let your life energy rocket into beautiful waves of ecstasy. This energy is just waiting for you to set it free and is there for you to explore and use at your will. Don't stifle your life energies. They are there for you to enjoy, so let the damn break and let the river flow. Enjoy your beautiful body/mind/soul and celebrate that individual beauty that makes you so unique.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Mysterious Clitoris

For those in the know the clitoris whereabouts, yet aware of its yielded sexual response, might as well call it the jewel of sexual indulgence and who knows perhaps, of a hidden treasure. Diamonds are nowhere near the exquisite jewel that the woman bears on her figure, the clitoris. The best approach to establish its location is by probing. Also visual approach could be staged, for all it takes is a mirror and a good sight. You will come across with a subtle lump where the big lips outline a v-shape like, up in the vagina. About pea size although covered only the outer side, which lies partially embedded in such an inconspicuous hood. Upon touching such tip, ya woman will derive some thrilling sensation. But even touching takes heed and time however. Likewise the penis made of erectile tissue although unequal shape wise. Therein a nerve pathway lies embedded, splinted in two elongated parts. Directly linked into the pelvic area. Upon sexual arousal, foreplay, bloodstream starts being pumped up into your clitoris, leading the vagina into natural moistening. Meanwhile, the whole genital surroundings would gorge with ongoing blood, becoming rather sensitive. The sexual pearl, gets gorged with blood, likely to turn itself pinkish or even darker, whilst its ducts get hardened on altogether. In which point, the muscles and connective tissue gear into a paced throb motion. What becomes relevant to the partner’s acknowledgement is how delicate a sexual organ the clitoris is. So therefore its property of inducing sexual pleasure, might, if inadequately or else bluntly approached, trigger much pain and distress. In order to keep it at bay, as discomforting to the receiver as to the giver, few hints could be given, Explaining that despite being considered the female penis, it mustn’t be approached as such. Encourage the partner onto exploring the genital surroundings, prior to strike the magic button, yet rather smoothly. In a nutshell, make sure your partner does not forget to be creative at the foreplay and show consistency anyhow until the end. What is it for? Because creativity first hand works out by gearing the sexual department up, in that changing pace and intensity on the probing approach. So far, tell the partner to come out as repetitive as predictable since you’d be about to cum then. That is what clitoral orgasm is about. Oral sex provides moist, warmth and sooth under the right measure for the clitoral indulgence. More often than not penetration leaves the clitoris a lot to desire; in addition the tongue teases the lips nearby promoting even more satisfaction Tip; insert the tongue well inside the vagina and work all the way up, unhurriedly. Let it be known what it feels like. It is very important as he would be made aware as to whether it feels right or otherwise. Orgasm stands for sexual climax, which could be stricken upon sexual-affective sprees.Is needed a lot of arousal for a woman reached orgasm. In being an external sexual organ and easy to rub on, there’d play major role in the sexual indulgence purposes. The pleasure irradiated from it onto the vagina, might orgasm be ensued. Every orgasm means essential. Its localization does not grant itself the prize that tells which is better or worst. Vaginal orgasm becomes easier to reach when the woman straddled on top of the man. In what enabled her better range of motion to get cracking on that clit up against his crouch, therefore geared up quickly. Each woman is unique, so is each orgasm. Its shape does not vary a great deal, given the female physique being so alike in its framework. You woman, should tread and unravel the way that could lead you into bliss on your own. And there are many avenues into delight or arousal to the woman. So too meant important to acknowledge what gives you pleasure the most and share it with your partner. Much as bringing all out that displeases and/or distresses you. The clitoris is a treasure, well-concealed, unveil and bring it forward to your partner, surely he’d love it even more about yourself.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Arousal

There are many aphrodisiacs that people can use to boost up a loving relationship and enhance sexual intercourse thus creating desire. The mind is the most important receptor followed by the sight, hear, and smell, touch and taste, which stimulate the human senses
In addition some herbs and plants can even treat impotence. This happens because extracts of Cajun, Gingko Biloba and Ginseng are used to increase circulation, which helps to maintain an erection.
Foods are traditional aphrodisiacs. Some of them can arouse people by visual contact, like those with phallic format, such as carrots, asparagus and bananas. All the food aphrodisiacs are free of saturated fats and cholesterol. Specialists in sexual arousal say that, when the digestive system is overtaxed, the sexual intercourse isn’t as good as if the stomach wasn’t full of heavy food. Alcohol can be a good aphrodisiac sometimes, but the abuse of the substance also can diminish the ability for sex.
Other known food aphrodisiacs are eggs – symbol of fertility – wines, chocolate, spices and sugar. Seafood has high content of phosphorus and iodine, which have beneficial effects on sexual potency. Passing to the senses of touch and smell, there are those who consider perfumes and lotion oils for massage as aphrodisiacs. Some essential oils have particular healing properties that can help the person in feeling relaxed getting ready for sexual engagement. Yet flowers also can energize an ambient and render more romantic a room.
In the case of the perfumes, there’s a fetish about different kinds of smell. Coco Chanel, the famous stylist, said that people should wear perfume where they want to be kissed. The best aphrodisiac, however, can be the particular style of each person and the communication of a couple, for example. If people are communicative, they can tell to the partner what feels good for them during a sexual intercourse, in which parts of the body they want to be touched and how they want it to be done.

Kisses,

Jesses~

Did you Cum???

Out of curiosity, a need to finish a job once started, or genuine concern, men, having recovered from their own post-orgasmic euphoria, are apt to ask their partners if they had made it as well. It is interesting that the converse is seldom true... women rarely ask men. It's either they don't care or they assume that men always get their's. It is certainly true that men are considerably more predictable - rub it, suck it, stroke it - with enough stimulation, the guys are going to pop. Women, on the other hand, seem more complicated when it comes to reaching orgasm, and to make matters worse, there's nothing big down there to grab a hold of.
As statistics based on surveys tend to do, the numbers assigned to female orgasms vary, depending on who was surveyed and who is reporting. However, probably as much as 15 percent of the female population have never experience an orgasm, and there may be up to 10 percent who can only orgasm when masturbating alone. The majority of women can orgasm with their partners, but only when the men are rubbing or licking their clitorises, or the women are "buzzing off" with a vibrator. (Marvelous contraptions!) Only about 30 percent of women will orgasm during intercourse. That means that about 70 percent of women have never, and might never, get off with penile-vaginal stimulation alone, unless there is something they can learn from the 30 percent who are making it.
Before going on and perhaps revealing a few secrets, let me point out again that the issue of female orgasm is complex. While at one extreme some women never have a single orgasm while awake (some will come in their sleep, the female equivalent of a boy's wet dream), but others will have three or more... the record (don't ask for a phone number) is somewhere around 35 in an hour. There is also a wide variety of ways women get there. Some women can orgasm with nipple stimulation alone, some can get off by squeezing the pelvic floor muscles that surround the opening of their vaginas, and some women have been found who seem able to orgasm with fantasy alone, these women being proficient at "thinking off."
Regardless of the position, there will be women who will make it... standing on their heads... no problem. However, there is a problem with most positions of intercourse, and the way they are performed in the heat of passion. Most women will not receive the direct clitoral stimulation needed to reach a climax in most positions, especially when the man is making long strokes. Without clitoral involvement, the experience for most women will range from an "is that all there is" reaction to a "feels good but it ain't goin' anywhere!" What's a girl to do?
First let's clear up some misconceptions: The old saying about the size of the plow being secondary in importance to the time a man keeps it in the ground, isn't automatically true. For a man to simply last longer while doing the wrong thing will not help. And then there's the G Spot. If a woman even has a sensitive G Spot, it is probably in a place that cannot be easily reached by a penis. (See the video titled "Unlocking the Secrets of the G-spot.")Then, there are the reports of other mysterious centers of erogenous sensitivity... the X Spots. Repeatedly poking any of these spots probably will not get a woman off either. And relax guys, bigger is not necessarily better, for there is indeed some truth to that saying about the size of the tool being less important than the skill of the workman.
Now to the information many readers will have already discovered, so this is for those who are still wondering. Remember, clitoral stimulation is the trigger for most women, and a man who is on top (missionary position) and is taking long, deep in-out strokes might be hitting her liver, but he's missing her clitoris. One of my not-so-bright clients had once called this the mercenary position, and I think some women might agree. Now, for the same reason, if a woman is squatting over her guy and is bouncing up and down, all she is getting for herself is up-down vaginal stimulation, and most vaginas are not very sensitive. The neglected clitoris is missing out on all the action and the woman's excitement plateaus, shortly before her legs give out!
If, on the other hand, a woman straddles a man, leans forward and slides front to back, and if she stays in close, she can rub her clitoris on her partner's pubic bone as she pushes forward and can run her clitoris up the shaft of his penis as she pushes back. The man, who is laying passively on his back, will know she has made clitoral contact if on her back swing she bends his penis toward his feet. This gives her a good firm surface to rub against and will not cause any harm to the instrument of her pleasure. She must stay in close, however, to maintain the clitoral contact.
Some women can lay flat on top of their partner, but down lower on his body than the man might have chosen. She would want the erection to be pointing upward so that it passes over her clitoris and then enters her vagina. With short pelvic thrusts up and down, never losing contact with the erection, the woman can achieve the clitoral stimulation needed for her to reach orgasm.
There are several advantages to the female superior positions. First, it is the woman who is running the show and she is, therefore, able to get her clitoris where she needs it to be. Second, it is a neat trip for guys who are tired of orchestrating every encounter... it's his turn to get used. Finally, with a man on his back, with the very short strokes, and by staying fairly relaxed, he is very likely to last longer, giving his partner the time she needs to reach orgasm before he does.
Oh.... I forgot to mention the view for the man... his partner astride him, her breasts swinging with each of her powerful thrusts as she does her thing.... nice!

Kisses,

Jesse~

Eroticism and Sex

Eroticism lies in sexuality, but it's through the human mind that all the historical contexts spawn. Thus, helping us to comprehend all its concepts throughout history.
Accounts on sexual beauty and sexual fantasies epitomize the idea of eroticism, as the vital essence of the art of sex and sexuality. Erotica has in its scope, aesthetic notions of the human figure so to be admired and contemplated.
Remarks found in literature define eroticism as a state of sexual excitement, more prone to experiment sexual excitement than average people, sex in literary guise, art or doctrine, and state of love-ridden passion.
Underlying in eroticism there's history of cultures, creeds, religions and the physical body and mystery ridden, which engulfs and brings on certain restlessness of the man in relation to the human nature.
The understanding of the word eroticism has been undergoing alterations all the while, as such, stems from our own perceptions of the world. Sensations experienced in life, dreams, desires and idealizations with the sexes.
A man's perception, a magnifique faculty that differentiates us from the other animals is the very tonic or eroticism, as it has its peak in the use of creativity. The emulation of art, in the beauty of bodies united the symbolic value of images, wonderful and abound. Art never goes on short supply and eroticism is intimately linked to it.
So far so good, as we referred only to a handful of brief comments on what eroticism would be for the public appreciation.
Nevertheless, the word eroticism imbues more than we can imagine, and for a better understanding, we travel back in history to the ancient Greece.
The banquet of Plato the Greek philosopher has Aristophanes as one of its guests, who in turn tells that before the wake of Eros the humanity consisted of three sexed beings made of male, female and androgynous.
The androgynous beings of round-like shape had four hands and four legs, two faces and two genitals, four ears but only one head. They were powerful beings and out of the blue decided to challenge Zeus, ended up punished as Zeus cut them in halves.
The androgynous grew weak, but useful, becoming more numerous to serve the gods.
With the division of their bodies, these beings began to look for their other matching halves. When finding they would hug each other entwined in profound will of being reunited again to be happy ever after.
Eros spawned from it, the myth that unites the universal to the singular, the raw power that links the cosmos to each life form.
There two significant aspects in the Aristophanes' speech: - Gross reference to the power of Eros, whose power is capable of restoring the ancient perfection and replicating androgynous.- The notion of incompleteness and frailty of split up beings that devoid of Eros' strength would turn weak but useful to the powers that be.
These two aspects articulate the mechanisms of sexual repression, which are sophistically manipulated by protective agents of the social order.
As to art, in all its extension of artistic expression endues a veritable impulse to enlighten, remaining beyond swift moment and its union with the universe.The communication line established between the opera and viewer is visibly erotic. Thus, the first contact is always sensual between emulator and the artistic object.
Though, not a simple task to shed light on eroticism and all its manifestations, characters and myths lingering throughout the ages.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Sex Health and Orgasms

Literature on sex positions like the Kama Sutra has shed light on sexual-like features such as women's multiple orgasms.
Multiple orgasm is a sexual phenomenon characterized by a stream of orgasms experienced by women with no resolution period undergone. Even when masturbating women remain in a state of sexual arousal, the so-called "plateau phase'.
Those who possess such sexual capability would describe it as a string of non-stop orgasm with short intervals. This particularity being exclusively feminine, for its male analogy would consist in non-stop orgasmic ejaculation not loosing erection.
Any woman with no interference of pelvic pathology of a sort may be capable of obtaining multi-orgasmic response. Actually, emotional factors may interfere thus reflecting further on sexual response. Factors like a good sex partner willing to try out sexual positions and proper location sexually set up can take a sexual toll.No matter how fit one might be physically as only outlined factors combined will bring out sexual pleasure successfully. Achieved sexual pleasure would never stem from one solely sex position out of an isolated circumstance. The sexual context dictates sexual gratification therefore multiple orgasms.
In fact, most women would feel satisfied getting by on one solely orgasm per sexual intercourse. Mostly, if there had been sufficient time spent on foreplay. sex games include trading off sex positions and affection for sexual fine tuning.
In special occasions, some women, due to favorable conditions like tranquility, coziness, heightened sexuality, and sex partner fine tuning, they might be able to reach from five up to six or more multiple orgasms. These women can't reach so many orgasms by penetrative sex alone, hence and most likely by manual and oral stimulation. So, mutual complicity plays major role. The fact that a woman experiences multiple orgasms doesn't have anything to do with how and what circumstances such orgasms are obtained. A sexually turned on woman could reach orgasm even dressed up if sex partner kept on squeezing her and rubbing her lingerie up against her clitoris and genitals.
So if he carries on, excitement is likely to build up and steaming in she gets carried away in for another orgasm. If sex partner arouses her sexually by kissing and caressing her semi naked upper body another orgasm may be achieved while he tucks one or two fingers up her vagina stroking her clitoris continuously.Meanwhile, she alters her pelvis' pace by swaying it, so that she will lodge in his fingers for further reaching more sensitive areas; therefore more orgasms will take place.
At which point, sex positions should be swapped as he finally gets to penetrate her sex. If he manages to hold himself back for a split second she will be able to reach another orgasm. In case he finds himself overexcited ejaculating too fast she can keep on moving to follow his climax without necessarily coming.It's good to know that in order to achieve multiple orgasms one doesn't have to be highly knowledgeable on all things sex. All it takes is cunning and reciprocative manners towards sex positions swapping. No rules necessary.
Multiple orgasms, a stream of sexual stimuli, leading women to sexual delights, at foreplay, during intercourse, and at the aftermath. Sexual delight is living sex at its best by taking the most out of it.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Challenging Our Thoughts On Sex

Throughout our lives we are, from time to time, confronted with information that challenges our conventional way of thinking. For example, our changing attitudes about "second hand smoke" has changed public policy regarding smoking in public areas.
Public education has also helped Americans understand that AIDS is not a "homosexual disease," but one that can infect everyone through a variety of sexual behaviors and through intravenous drug use. Consider the following.
The Centers for Disease a Control (CDC), the federal agency responsible for the prevention of health problems, has been working on violence prevention for more than 12 years. The CDC's focus has been on changing the way people think about preventing violence. On November 6, 1996, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a statement calling sexual assault a public health problem, labeling sexual assault a "silent violent epidemic in the United States today. The World Health Assembly (WHA) also considers violence, and the prevention of violence as a public health priority has declared that violence is a leading worldwide public health problem. The American Psychological Association (APA) has also declared violence to be a serious societal problem and recognizes the need for addressing the violence problem from a different perspective, The APA states; "Societal attitudes and practices regarding violence also have an influence on the risk of family violence." These efforts by these esteemed organizations are a wakeup call to America.
Legislators and the public repeatedly turn to the criminal justice system to solve violence in America. However, the series of tougher laws passed each year to address violence, passed each year to guide the criminal justice system, do not address the underlying causes of violence or sexual abuse. The continued rise in sexual abuse suggests that a criminal justice model is not preventing sexual abuse of our children.
During the past two years, we have seen legislation regarding sexual abusers that 1) mandates public notification of sexual offender release, 2) mandated use of DepoProvera ("chemical castration" ) for child sexual abusers, and 3) indefinite commitment of predatory sexual offenders. We cannot effectively apply these laws, based on extreme cases that are not representative of the majority of sexual abusers, to all sexual abusers. Recently, reports suggest that these laws have resulted in a decrease of sexual abuse reporting by victims. These mandated, and in some cases unfunded laws are examples of "feel good" legislation and are not effective with all sexual abusers. Occasionally, these laws may cause more harm than good as they drive the sexual abuser further into secrecy.
In this Iight, we must also come to grips with the unfortunate reality that sexual abuse commonly has its onset in childhood and adolescence. For example, 45% of child sexual abuse cases in Vermont are perpetrated by children and teens. Early identification and intervention by adults with these children would reduce almost by half, the number of children sexually abused in Vermont! That is prevention.
The AMA states, "Society as a whole must become become informed about the problems and realities of sexual assault. Special attention must be directed to correcting misconceptions and myths about rape and sexual assault.
Now is the time for all of us to begin changing the way we think about sexual abuse. From a prevention standpoint we can do several things. First, the most important action we can take to prevent the sexual abuse of our children is to educate ourselves and other adults about this most serious social problem.
Because of the media's focus on highprofile sex crimes, and sex murders, these sensationalized news stories give the American public a biased, distorted, and unrealistic view of sexual abuse. In addition they foster any angry public who wants to castrate, use public notification, or imprison for life, sexual abusers regardless of what type, the frequency of their crimes, or the risk they pose to the community. Not all sexual abusers are alike, nor should they all be handled in a similar fashion. Public surveys show that the media misinforms most Americans about what is sexual abuse, and who is the sexual abuser. The CDC and the AMA recognize the need to educate the public, including adults and children, in these programs.
Second, we must focus on early intervention and prevention of sexual abuse. For every individual we lock up in prison, there are at least one or more child at risk for acting out sexually. The same amount of money we spend to incarcerate one person for one year could also fund state-of-the-art identification, intervention, and treatment for at risk youth.
Third, sexual abuse prevention requires a national campaign to acknowledge sexual abuse as a public health problem. If society expects people who are prone to act out sexually and abuse others to get help for their problem and stop their behavior, then society must offer the opportunity for sexual abusers, and persons prone to sexually act out, to step forward and get help. All of the other prevention campaigns mentioned above have provided hope and the opportunity for treatment, even when there is not a "cure" for the particular problem. To prevent sexual abuse from becoming a more widespread epidemic, we must provide the potential abuser, and active abusers, the same opportunities for hope and recovery.
Few people disagree with the statistics that suggest that criminal sexual abuse has reached epidemic proportions in our country, however, there is much disagreement and debate about what are the most effective ways to address this serious social problem and how we can best prevent it in the future.
Look at the past twenty or thirty years and decide for yourself if our current methods sad strategies of creating tougher laws and punishing sexual abusers are resulting in a decrease in criminal sexual abuse. I believe the answer to this question is "no," and therefore, we must rethink what directions we need to take in the future.
What we must keep in mind is that punishment is not prevention. The criminal justice system must play a role in sexual abuse prevention and treatment, and that we must hold criminal sexual abusers accountable for their behavior. I do not believe that all sexual abusers should be handled alike because not all sexual abusers are the same. Some sexual abusers may need to be imprisoned for life, however, others can be safely and effectively treated in the community, once they have been assessed and determined to be a low risk, and by using a restorative justice model.
We must educate ourselves about the issue of sexual abuse and sexual violence, its origins, and measures we can take to get at the root of the problem, if we are going to commit ourselves to preventing it. Prevention is not punishing a behavior *after* it occurs. Prevention is stopping the problem *before* it occurs.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Sexually Compulsive Behavior

Hal comes home from a long day, stressed and tired, and just wants to unwind a little. He looks forward to perusing pornographic magazines, enjoying the sexual images before him. Beautiful women with perfect bodies gaze longingly and directly at him, hungry for some appreciation of his masculinity and virility. He masturbates, and quickly feels the release he was searching for. He feels much better, and with renewed vitality, retires to the den to catch up on some reading.
Ben prefers the Internet. In the quietude of his home office, and without distraction from his wife, Ben surfs the Internet for pornographic web sites. He loves the rush of finding a new site with adults engaging in various and exciting sexual acts -- acts in which his wife refuses to participate. Themes of bondage, domination, and sadism are particularly appealing to him. He fantasizes about being a participant, but insists he would never "act out" these fantasies. He states that his fascination with pornographic material keeps him "faithful." He masturbates with fantasy, but never seeks sexual gratification with a partner outside of his marriage.
Pornography can, as many have argued, increase sexual excitement and variety. Research has also shown that pornography can decrease sexual tensions in some men. In addition, other research has suggested that there is no direct causal relation between pornography and sex crimes in America. So what's the problem? The problem is that both Hal and Ben are at risk for developing a serious and harmful compulsion.
Compulsive behaviors of any kind (e.g., involving alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex) are at risk for developing when the behavior in question is used to manage feelings. Pornography is no exception, and is often utilized to "self-medicate" against feelings of anger, disappointment, boredom, stress, anxiety, loneliness or sadness. Such mood altering coping strategies keep individuals from developing more adaptive and healthier ways of managing emotions.
Hal and Ben are at risk for developing other difficulties as well. While Ben reports that pornography keeps him "faithful," he's likely to become socially withdrawn. Instead of seeking solace or comfort from his wife (or other important people in his life), he is likely to seek comfort with his computer.
Further, he may develop less interest in real life relationships, and more of an invested interest in fantasized ones. His need for pornography may become a "quick fix" or instant gratification to soothe the unexpressed disappointments in his relationships. Finally, while he insists he would not go outside of the marriage to engage in the types of sexual acts he enjoys fantasizing about, he is at risk for doing exactly that. Pornography can heighten unacceptable urges in some people, and reinforces deviance associated with sexually abusive behavior. Further, it lowers inhibitions, spurring individuals who are inclined towards sexually abusive or deviant behaviors to act on their fantasies.
The sexual images involved in pornography often sexualize body parts and objectify people (i.e., perceiving others as objects, not as human beings), and the potential for divorcing oneself from feelings is substantial. Consequently, Hal and Ben are at risk for developing distorted beliefs about women, men, and children who are involved in the sex industry. They may perceive individuals involved as "liking what they do," or are just serving their own needs. Distancing and objectifying sexual acts actually help in rationalizing sexual acts that are often demoralizing, humiliating, and abusive. Overall, Hal and Ben are developing behaviors that serve to distance themselves from women in general, making it difficult for them to connect with women emotionally, and in ways other than sex.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Sexual Offender

The label "juvenile sexual offender" raises concern and even fear in the minds of parents, the community-at-large, and even some therapists and treatment programs. In part, this heightened level of anxiety is well founded and based on genuine concerns about what harm may be caused by the adolescent and what type of adult might the adolescent grow into if untreated and his behaviors remain sexually abusive (most adolescent sexual offenders are male). This fear is well founded, and many sexual crimes against children and adults (but mostly younger children) are committed by juveniles aged between 12-18; during 1999, juveniles accounted for 16% of all violent crimes in the U.S. and 17% of total arrests for forcible rape (Snyder, 2000; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2001). On the other hand, for many juvenile sexual offenders, with recognition of the problem and help, the likelihood is that they will not "grow" into an adult sexual offender. From the research and statistics we have gathered, somewhere between 7-15% of juveniles treated for sexually abusive behavior will commit a further offense at some later point; this means that between 93-85% of adolescents treated for sexually abusive behavior are not likely to recidivate (commit an additional sexual offense).
From what we know, most adolescents who engage in sexually abusive behavior will not develop into adult sexual offenders, although many will continue to experience non-sexual difficulties with their emotions, behaviors, and relationships. With help, though, even these other, more likely problems may be addressed and remediated. In fact, most adolescents who engage in sexually abusive behavior are traveling along very different paths, are at considerably different points in their current lives than adult sexual offenders, and are motivated by many different current factors and experiences. For juveniles who sexually abuse, for instance, motivations and patterns of sexual arousal are less likely to be deviant in nature than in their adult counterparts, and their sexual interests and behaviors are far less likely to be driven by fixed attitudes, ideas, beliefs, and emotional needs. This does not lessen the very real impact of juvenile sexual crimes or the impact of such crimes on their victims and society, but it does mean that we can intervene and treat juveniles who sexually abuse with hope and often success, and in a manner to which adult sexual offenders are often not amenable.
However, although at substantially different points in their development and in their current lives, the roots of sexually abusive behavior are very much the same in juveniles who sexually abuse as in adult sexual offenders, and those adolescents who eventually evolve into adult offenders experience many of the same early childhood experiences as do their adult counterparts. Although sexual and/or physical abuse are not inevitable precursors to becoming sexually abusive to others, and many juvenile sexual offenders have themselves not experienced sexual abuse, it is nonetheless true that the early childhood experiences of many (if not most) juvenile sexual offenders are marked with abuse, neglect, and maltreatment. Although these factors alone neither cause, explain, nor justify sexually abusive behavior, it is nevertheless true that these children experience more abuse and maltreatment than non-sexually abusive children.
Nevertheless, as teenagers these children are still very much in the developmental and experimental stages of their lives with few truly fixed patterns of behavior, attitudes, and relationships. On the contrary, they are developmentally open to and capable of change and are thus often very responsive to treatment interventions that aim at rehabilitation and change, especially when delivered with structure, understanding, and genuine support and caring. These troubled children, no less than any other child, need and deserve the concern and caring needed by and afforded to all children.
Although far from a certain outcome, to be sure adolescent sexual offenders are at risk for becoming adult sexual offenders. Evaluation and interventions are critical if we are to prevent this possible outcome. However, we must neither over react to, nor judge, these children too harshly, as difficult as that may be for many. Without backing away from strong, focused, and often intensive treatment, we must also recognize that these adolescents are still our children and we, as adults and as a society, are responsible for who they will become and often for who they are now.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Sex and Long Term Relationships

Couples in long term relationships often complain of lagging sexual energy. In fact, over half of the people in my "Retreat for Couples" sexuality workshops attend with the hope of increasing their sexual energy, and others want to know they are not perverts for enjoying sex, especially at midlife and beyond. All want passion and they want it with each other. They want to grow old together as lovers, not roommates.
According to sexual older couples, keeping sexual energy is satisfying but not easy. Hidden sexual energy can be found when people know how and where to look. Most couples search for it where it feels comfortable, not where it is. Couples often act like the drunk searching for his keys under a street light because darkness prevents his looking for them where they are.
Comfort, more than anxiety, obstructs sexual passion; yet, comfort is necessary to relationships. It affirms and sustains partners with closeness, familiarity and predictability. Partners who stay friends for life know how to care about, respect, and complement each other's growth. There is ease in comfort.
Staying exclusively in your personal comfort zone stifles sexual energy. Couples seek comfort (look only under the streetlight) and avoid anxiety (dodge the darkness). Anxiety is hard to bear, but managing it can fuel growth. Relationships without anxiety allow blandness to overshadow intimacy. A "no-growth" agreement prevails when partners avoid tension, discomfort, and knowing each other. The cost of rigidly maintaining comfort is the sacrifice of sexual energy.
Being deeply sexual over time with your life partner produces both joy and anxiety. This means that consciously managed anxiety can promote, even escalate, erotic energy. For example, the ability to soothe your own anxiety instead of expecting your partner to do it for you helps you create a resource for erotic feelings. This is equally true for adult survivors of incest and other traumas.
Anxious tension between partners can push them to develop tolerance, skill, and taste for highly erotic sex: "Am I willing to say how deeply sexual I feel or don't feel, and why?" "Do I say what I really want/don't want,?" "Do I say 'yes' to myself as well as to my partner?" "Do I keep faith with myself when I get upset or disagree?" "Do I have the courage not to fake feelings, not to protect against uncomfortable emotions we both avoid?" "Do I speak the truth about my own experience?"
Managing anxiety in the service of growth means you risk improving yourself in relationship. You demonstrate integrity when you manage yourself. Integrity helps you judge which anxieties to risk, such as getting to know your hidden self with your partner, and which to forego, such as having an affair. By managing anxiety you deepen your relationship as you stay intentionally connected to your partner. For example, you learn to affirm and sustain yourself; you become self-validating without pushing your partner to be different even when you dislike him/her. You can tolerate your partner's intense emotions and you can accept and regulate your own, even when that feels impossible. You compromise neither yourself, your partner, nor your self-respect, and you promise yourself to do all this in relationship. Managing anxiety means you can tolerate intimacy. This is different from closeness. Where closeness is usually anxiety-free, familiar, comfortable, and predictable, intimacy can be anxiety-laden, strange, risky, and surprising. Intimacy is the deep experience of self in relation to a partner. With intimacy, you experience yourself in a different, new, and profound way, not necessarily at the same time your partner does.
Intimacy can be profoundly joyful and penetratingly uncomfortable. The latter happens when you presume your partner will either reject you or smother you (they can do both) and you actually believe you are helpless to handle yourself in the face of either event (as an adult you are, in fact, not helpless and will survive both without ado). It is the former when you finally own your thoughts, feelings, and behavior and are willing to share all this with your partner, with and without anxiety.
Intimacy is not negotiable (behavior is negotiable). People who can risk both integrity and intimacy often stay sexually expressive in some manner throughout life. They struggle successfully to be true to themselves and at the same time face the anxiety inherent in a life that will certainly end no matter what else happens in it. This can be a powerful incentive and deterent to learn to be deeply sexual with the life partner you know you will eventually lose. In a culture that decries death, it takes courage to love a partner for life.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Power of Sex Fantasies

What are sexual fantasies?

Fantasies are daydreams. Imaginary visions. Whimsical speculations. Wishful thinking. Everybody fantasizes at some level. If you've ever imagined what you'd do if you won the lottery, you've used fantasy.

Fantasy is a fundamental part of human nature. We see active imagination as healthy in children (watch them playing and you'll see them lost in a world of their own) but something adults should grow out of. Most people never do, however. Even if we manage to suppress our imagination during the day, all those unconscious passions emerge while we're sleeping.

Understanding fantasies

There's a huge range of personal taste in sexual fantasy, just as there is in everything else. But many people feel uncomfortable with their own fantasies, fearing they're somehow weird if they're turned on by things that are unacceptable to others.
Sexual fantasies may express an aspect of our unconscious mind. For example, fantasies about being submissive or passive may be linked to a desire to experience high sexual arousal without personal responsibility.
But fantasies are simply somewhere we can act out things we might never do in real life, such as having sex in a public place or with a particular person. And sometimes they turn us on precisely because they're not real.

Fantasizing about other people
Some people worry that fantasizing about someone other than their partner is an act of betrayal, revealing either a desire to be unfaithful or that they are longer turned on by their partner alone.
In fact, this is very rarely the case. Evidence suggests that those who fantasize the most are in happy, loving, trusting relationships. It's in this kind of context that the mind explores places the body has no intention of visiting.

The benefits of fantasy

Sex generally starts in the brain. So an active imagination can mean you're ready for sex before anything physical has happened. Therefore, desire is heightened and arousal is much quicker.
Some people find an active fantasy life can add novelty to a long-standing sexual relationship. This can be particularly helpful if your partner is not as sexually adventurous as you are.
But conversely, if you find it embarrassing to experiment in bed, fantasy offers an opportunity to give your imagination free rein and to play out roles. It can be used as a practice arena where you can build confidence before embarking on something new.
In psychosexual therapy, fantasy is often used to block out negative thoughts. If you find during sexual encounters your mind wanders to unhelpful images or thoughts, fantasy can help you to refocus on your sexual pleasure.

Learning to fantasize

If you don't find sexual fantasy comes easily, you can learn. Erotica can help; try exploring bookshops for erotic books and art. There's also a wealth of magazines available to suit any taste. And your local video store will stock a range of films, from romantic and slapstick to thrillers and more explicit 18-rated movies.

Kisses,

Jesse~

Sexual Satisfaction

Now that we have arrived at the new millennium, it is time to take a fresh look at an old sexual problem common in the lives of many women; namely no orgasm during intercourse. This results in concern and disappointment especially to the woman who looks to sex for pleasure and emotional gratification. Since this is a troubling issue to a majority of women let us examine its significant aspects. Many women wonder and sometimes even worry about why they are missing something so important, as coitus reaches its peak moment. Why don't they have an orgasm, a sensation that is normal and should be enjoyed at that time? Occasionally even the partner may comment. An explanation regarded as medically accurate in the past was that this is due to female "frigidity," a word now banned from the vocabulary of writers and speakers on the subject of sex.
In years past this would have definitely been a "hush-hush" topic. But the time is now and the door has been opened to allow and even encourage efforts to understand the psychological complications that can get in the way of a happy, satisfying sex life. By taking a look at some of the trip-up spots in a woman's journey to full sexual pleasure, it may very well be possible to uncover and toss away a few of them.
It is an accepted fact that a woman is capable of having an orgasm. The question is what are the obstacles. Unnecessary limits that may have been implanted in our thoughts can have the power to determine how we act. Let us consider a few of these possible restrictions to see what can be done to reduce their damage. A major problem obviously can be the quality of the relationship existing between the partners. In the situations about to be described, we shall assume that love does exist in order to focus solely upon sex. If not, the issue is the relationship and not the sex. In the case of women who worry about being "normal" because at times they do have an orgasm but never during intercourse, it is important for them to understand that orgasm is the peak response to stimulation however it is reached. The manner by which that climax is achieved is of much less importance than the pleasure and relaxation that follow.
Stimulation can be arrived at through a variety of actions, some at times more enjoyable than others; but many women are reluctant to express their preferences. The path to orgasm can be freed of stumbling blocks by informing the partner of what gives real pleasure. Additionally, general body caressing is an important prelude to moving toward the vaginal area and should be encouraged by words or body responses. My clinical experience has also suggested that varying positions from time to time maintains a level of interest in intercourse that prevents it from becoming just the same old routine.
Anxieties and distractions are intruders during love-making. Taking them to bed guarantees no orgasm. Questions and concerns deserve attention, but at a time and place where a useful answer is available. Worrying about "what's wrong with me" will only prolong the problem. To the worriers, I urge starting in a relaxed state.
Then there is the old baggage all of us automatically cart along. It is not heavy, but it can certainly weigh us down at times. Unfortunately a prime location for being weighed down can be the bedroom. Parents who instill in us the rules for "proper" behavior sometimes hide in an unseen nook in that room. Their voices can be heard whispering just at the moment a woman is about to try relaxing into the sexual activity going on. This often occurs without any conscious awareness. Unfortunately, Mom or perhaps Dad neglected to mention when and where it is o.k. to let loose and that it might even be a good idea.
Orgasm requires letting go. Worrying about being normal, about conflicts in the relationship, and especially the cautioning voices of parents, inevitably cause a woman to tighten up emotionally and physically. Telling your partner what feels good, experimenting with different positions and focusing only on the moment at hand are the freeing-up tactics. Let go of expectations and drift on to thoughts about loving, being loved and to whatever else peaks the excitement. Then let the flame flare.

Kisses,

Jesse~