The sexual behavior is shameful. The addict feels shame about what he or she is doing, or more accurately about what he or she has done, usually immediately after engaging in sex acts that violate some of the person's standards. Or the shame may be denied by calling it normal for ‘a real man’ - or by focusing on others, "She wanted it.” Thus a married man may feel remorse after having sex with his best friend's wife, rationalize that his friend wasn't sexually satisfying her and avoid going to bed with his own wife afterward, all in a vain attempt to deny there is a problem or that he has done anything wrong.
The sexual behavior is secret. The sex addict more and more comes to live a double life – perhaps well known, respected and admired in more visible life, but secretly engaging regularly in sexual acts that might be shocking to those who know and love them. So (for example) a sexually addicted minister could be revered on Sunday morning for preaching on the sinfulness of adultery and fornication, and then engage in those behaviors himself at a modeling studio or adult bookstore on Monday afternoon. Or a man might tell his relationship partner that he is going to visit a friend but goes to a park to cruise for anonymous sex instead.
The sexual behavior is abusive. It violates someone else's choice or exceeds their understanding. For example, a man who manipulates or coerces his date into being sexual with him, or the woman in a partially unbuttoned blouse who bends down toward an unsuspecting male co-worker and "accidentally" exposes her breast, or the man who seeks out crowded shopping malls so he can meander among the throng to ‘cop a feel’. Much worse are adult men and women who manipulate the trust of children, and abuse their power over them by tricking them into performing sexual acts with them. The sex may also be abusive to the sex addict, such as masturbating to the point of physical injury or cutting or pinching oneself for sexual arousal.
Kisses,
Jesse~
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